X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE (2009)

Okay. I'm sure by now you've heard that the new Wolverine movie sucks ass like the king of all felchers, and I have to say it's by no means what I'd call great cinema. But what the people panning the film haven't bothered to take into account is that the makers of X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE obviously knew the last X-Men movie bit the big one and if there was any chance of making a dime off of another entry in the series, it would be a smart move to ditch all of the other X-mutants and focus on Hugh Jackman's popular and fun portrayal of Wolverine. Jackman's a crowd-pleaser and is frequently singled out as "the sexiest man alive" by the tabloids, so the latest film is surprisingly geared to appeal to fans of Jackman as beefcake eye-candy, namely straight women and gay dudes. If you think Hugh Jackman is hotter than shit, then you will kick yourself if miss this in the theater since it contains wall-to-wall shirtless, totally ripped, hairy, manly Jackman in what's essentially a feature length fantasy photo shoot calendar brought to life. Wanna see Wolverine employed as a sweaty lumberjack who wields an axe and a chainsaw? Ever long to stare at a mutton-chopped Jackman dressed in a wife-beater and leather motorcycle jacket while straddling a revved-up muscle-bike? Or how about the image of a completely nude Wolverine getting washed over a steep waterfall only to end up running around the Canadian countryside before taking refuge in a barn? All this and more can be had in this film, and let me assure you that Jewish Warrior Princess practically had to be hosed off when the lights came up. I was quite amused by her repeated utterances of, "Oh, my God!" throughout the film's running time, and early on I settled in and accepted the unthinkable: this was a straight-up chick flick about Wolverine, with some small amounts of violence and shit blowing up real good to keep the lads in the audience interested.

So the simple fact of the matter is this: if you're going looking for a movie made to appeal to comics fans, you'll be shit outta luck. But if you're looking for what's destined to be a multiple-repeat-viewing spank material perennial on DVD for fans of uber-buff, shirtless, hairy dudes, you cannot possibly do better within the parameters of a PG-13 film. This was in no way what I expected from a Wolverine movie, but I took it for what it was and found myself highly amused at this unashamed example of all-too-rare exploitation of a hot and actually manly dude, rather than some assembly line ingenue replicant. Bite the bullet, guys, and haul your women-folk to the multiplex so Hugh can get them all lathered up and ready for you after the flick ends. Trust me, you're gonna want to thank the guy.