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Monday, March 31, 2008

THE FIRST WAVE OF APPLICANTS

Since putting out the word that MISCEGEN-8 is looking for recruits, yours truly, the HNIC of the whole shebang, has pored over many applications from would-be evildoers and sorted through the expected dross of common thugs, garden variety sociopaths, deadly nymphomaniacs with ludicrous names ("Fonda Boyz," "Snatchley Von Schiessekunt"), and loonies far too insane and unmanagable to even consider (Dr. Balls-Out Maniac the Third immediately comes to mind), yet from that morass of potential I was able to find a few likelies. So here are the first batch that really warrant my attention, complete with assessment. Hopefully I'll receive an application from a female operative I've heard tell of who sports a "laser rocket arm," but that may just be one of those industry-related legends that one occasionally hears about. Anyway, here are the hopefuls:

NAME: Chris Weston
CODE NAME: Inkfinger

DATE OF BIRTH: 04.01.69

PLACE OF BIRTH: Rinteln, Germany


NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): British


CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT:
A discarded Apollo-mission rocket hidden within a lighthouse off the coast of Eastbourne, East Sussex, England.

AREA OF EXPERTISE: I love ink… and am fluent in everything Wikipedia knows on the subject.

SKILLS: Calligraphy and tattooing.


PREFERRED WEAPONS:


NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: I love Indian ink in particular… and drowning my enemies in it.

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF “YES” PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): No. Militant atheist.

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF “YES” PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES):
No. My works have left the authorities baffled and clueless to my involvement.

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE):
Learnt calligraphy, torture, and torture involving calligraphy from The Yakuza.

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE:
Hypnotised Tony Blair into betraying Socialism.

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL:
None. I’m an orphan.

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS):
Too many to mention and most involve the use of biros.

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8:
Nice hand-writing.

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST:
With only six, square sheets of one-way glass I can build an artificial black hole. I will then hold the world to ransom.

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO):
No. I’ll make use of The National Health Service like Everyone else.

HNIC'S COMMENTS: This one's a no-brainer since we need an Englishman to serve as the opposite number to a certain UK operative whose snooty and arrogant ways really piss me off, and I like this guy's style. Ink as a signature? Both deliciously ironic and rather twisted. Note to ordnance-send this guy twelve cases of biros, as per his specifications.

NAME: Jennifer Angel Polinski

CODE NAME: JAP

DATE OF BIRTH: 7/7/77

PLACE OF BIRTH: New York, New York

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): DDPM

(donne della plastica mortale) Women of the Deadly Plastic

CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: Milan

AREA OF EXPERTISE: I steal mens' fortunes

SKILLS: I seduce men into thinking I actually love them then ruin their credit; siphon off their money into my own secret account in the Cayman Islands then kill them making it look like suicide

PREFERRED WEAPONS: Credit cards

NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: I always by a new pair of steel shank, over the knee leather stiletto-heeled boots to commit the final act

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF “YES” PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): No

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF “YES” PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): YES – Internal Revenue Service in America and Inland Revenue in the UK

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): I work alone

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE: I would tell you but then you would guess my clients with whom I share my fortunes

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: That schmuck that ran for Vice President but then admitted he was a republican. I spit on his name.

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): 7 – My favorite was #3 whom I dressed in black and then had him decorate his bedroom all in black then I made it look like he slit his own wrists with a black Amex card. OOOOOH it gives me chills

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: I know the BEST places to shop

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST: I don’t need to conquer the world – it is completely my playground.

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): No need

HNIC'S COMMENTS: a chameleonic femme fatale? Oh, she is so in. As long as the organization gets its cut...


NAME: Turavisaru Bikuru

CODE NAME: Shakuhachi Bizen

DATE OF BIRTH: Showa 24

PLACE OF BIRTH: Dread secret

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): International

CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: Secret

AREA OF EXPERTISE: Inter-dimensional infamy

SKILLS: Master of Dim Mak (the Death Touch,) Neural-Spatio-Phase-Disruption, Entropic Thaumaturgy, projectile expectoration, and psionic mammoplasty.

PREFERRED WEAPONS: moly-steel shakuhachi (painted to resemble bamboo,) MK II Phase Disruptor (Isher Technologies,) belt-buckle derringer, and tightly rolled tabloid newspaper.

NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: Known to scream “Ten-shikaru!!” (Heaven’s mild admonishment!) when attacking or cutting ahead on line.

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF “YES” PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): Only if Neo-Tachism can be considered a religion.

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF “YES” PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): Wanted by Inter-Dimensional enforcement agencies and some debt-collectors on Uranus.

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): Legion of Inter-Dimensional Villainy.

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE: The Heinous Anus Conspiracy.

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: NA

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): Does this include disincorporation of inter-dimensional entities? Or Canadians?

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: The uncanny ability to cloud the minds of most rodents except gerbils.

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST: It’s a SECRET!!!

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): Medical/dental, but no optical.

HNIC'S COMMENTS: An intriguing resume that presents many possibilities. Plus the Heinous Anus Conspiracy is a personal favorite, so I look forward to working with him.


NAME: Bill Fruge
CODE NAME:
Yin Yang

DATE OF BIRTH: unknown, perhaps the '60's

PLACE OF BIRTH: small village in the mountains of Asia

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): None

CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: all places are really one

AREA OF EXPERTISE: world peace

SKILLS: the ability to relax people and get them to see their "inner-self"

PREFERRED WEAPONS: none

NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: sits in the lotus position a lot, balding

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF "YES" PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR):
none, believes all religions are just manifestations of the same general belief

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF "YES" PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): none, but many large corporate interests and some governments are opposed to his work since he opposes greed and materialism; although several NGO's are actively seeking him as a public speaker

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): none

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE: none

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: none

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): none

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: peace and self-awareness

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST: Plans to have all people look inward and realize that their goals to become wealthy, rule the world, turn the statue of liberty into a giant robot with titty gun, or fight crime are just manifestations of an unsatisfied ego and that true inner peace can only come from a letting go of such desires.

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): perhaps

HNIC'S COMMENTS: I don't think this guy quite gets what we're going for here; will take under advisement.


NAME: DECLAN SHALVEY
CODE NAME: DOCTOR PATIENT

DATE OF BIRTH: 11 Jan '82

PLACE OF BIRTH: Dublin, Ireland

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): Any.


CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: Isle of Debauchery


AREA OF EXPERTISE: Witty banter.


SKILLS: Can take a punch.

PREFERRED WEAPONS: Razor-Sharp Wit, Cutting remarks, Charming Irish Accent (for the ladies)


NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: Irish slang-words, Offending ladies, makes every situation into a joke of some kind.


RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF "YES" PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): Working on it.

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF "YES" PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): Doctor Patient has eluded all law enforcement by not having yet committed any crimes.


PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): Doctor Patient has eluded all crime cartels by not having yet committed any crimes.


INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE: Doctor Patient is more of a background agent, adding witty remarks when need be. Also has undercover expertise, blends in with a crowd, lulling them into a false sense of security as he learns all their weaknesses.


RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: Doctor Patient can seduce all!


CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): Doctor Patient has yet to slay an enemy, but has many plans in circulation which will soon raise his body count ....from zero.


DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: Doctor Patient can offer much. He can care for your concubines while you're on missions. He can also provide them with much-needed intercourse when their self-esteem is low. He can turn light switches on and off. He can add much-needed humour to dire situations

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST:

1: Start rumours about certain parties.

2: Inform parties of the rumours

3: Tell parties that opposing parties started said rumours

4: Stand back aset them fight it out.

5: Claim control.

6: Have dinner.


DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): No. (One must note that Doctor Patient holds no medical doctorate of any kind and is also not patient in any way.)

HNIC'S COMMENTS: not too impressed with his cpacity for mayhem, but do appreciate his sensibilities. Possible consigilieri?

NAME: Unknown, though often simply called "The Hat".
Known aliases include "Jean Toque", "Guiseppe Legame",
"Cooper Dale", "Nelson Elliott", and "Carlos Aureus".
Frequently presents himself as an employee of
"Universal Import/Export".

CODE NAME: Pablo

DATE OF BIRTH: Sometime in the early 1970s

PLACE OF BIRTH: Somewhere in the quadrangle described by Singapore, Bangkok, Taipei, and Subic Bay

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): n/a

CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: Post Restante, Central Post Office, Hong Kong

AREA OF EXPERTISE: Diabolical masterminding

SKILLS: Bartending, yoga, uncanny ability to simply vanish, skulking in the shadows

PREFERRED WEAPONS: Dry wit and a BIG FUCKING GUN

NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: Listening to Wagner

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF “YES” PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): Fanatical fundamentalist agnostic

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF “YES” PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): All of them, including the ones that don't know that they're looking for me.

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): The Hat works freelance.

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE:
• In the very early 1990s, during the breakup of the USSR, stole a very large – 8 figures in USD – amount of money from the Belarusian treasury. To this day, the Belarusian government never knew the money was even there in the first place.
• Attempted to steal the original manuscript of Kafka's The Trial on commission, only to discover that the 'original manuscript' was a Nazi-era fake. Stole it anyway and passed it off as the original.
• During the mid 90s, smuggled priceless religious artifacts out of the collapsing Yugoslavia and subsequently returned them for a substantial and highly inflated fee to the rightful owners.
• Personally responsible for initiating a vicious gang war in Vladivostok in 1996 by murdering assassinating three major rival organized crime figures nearly simultaneously.
• Sold defective submarine plans to Columbian drug lords in 2006; faked own death before defects in plans were discovered. Set up subsequent assassination of drug lord who knew who had sold them the plans.
• Was in the process of setting up blackmail scheme on prominent US politician; scheme fell through due to target's incompetence in getting caught by the government.

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: n/a

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): At least four.

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: It should be obvious.

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST: The world isn't worth the time and effort to conquer. Much more fun to feed off of the greed and incompetence of others.

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): Yes, but COBRA is fucking expensive.

HNIC'S COMMENTS: sign this man up immediately, no two ways about it.

NAME: Hank Wrigley
CODE NAME: Solder

DATE OF BIRTH: I'm 27 years old, but can provide documents saying otherwise if needed at no expense to yourself or MISCEGEN-8.

PLACE OF BIRTH: As much as I would like to say Truth or Consequences, New Mexico I admit it is in fact Connecticut :(


NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): Have "legal" U.S citizenship.


CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: New York.


AREA OF EXPERTISE: Above average aptitude with machinery and compressed gasses (a B.F.A in Metalsmithing and Jewelry / Art History!). Also have training in Art History and currently studying in secondary Education systems within the U.S (never know this might be useful for recruiting at a later date ala COBRA).

SKILLS: Welding, Gem setting, fairly extensive knowledge in mold-making.and basic lapidary skills.


PREFERRED WEAPONS: Fists, Jeweler's saw, Crossbow, Leatherman, a Car (as a projectile) (I actually do have experience using all of those)


NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: Are you trying to pick me up? I'm into green women, if you know what I mean.


RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF "YES" PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): Agnostic.


WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF "YES" PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): Not under this name or current face.


PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): S.P.E.C.T.R.E intern, 2000-2002. I also signed up with the Selective Service in order to get the proper financial aid for my undergraduate studies. I sure count that as working with a Crime Cartel, even thought I never "technically" saw action. (Please see "Current Body Count"). I am now over 25 years of age, and have no ties to them whatsoever. I also had a "lifetime" allegiance to the Decepticons, but I'm revoking it after that movie last year. I feel I am justified.


INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE: I was Eliot Spitzer's go to guy in D.C.


RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: I have a relative who actually is the person in charge of a Coast Guard base (actually true!)


CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): All that "friendly fire" overseas? Cough cough...

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: The ability to lift 50 lbs. above my head, Really though, I'm a fairly hard working, self motivated kind of guy, who can't define himself as a true sadist, but I do take pleasure in the shortcomings of others. I feel that global conquest will allow me to remove myself from the feeling of individual responsibility for our foes (the public) and allow me to work though this. If I cast a bigger net, I reckon I am less likely to look at the individual fish, while also catching far more. I also make some bitching grilled salmon.


DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST: I'm not entirely sure, but it would somehow involve removing color from the "people" and retaining it solely for our own personal glory. If we were the only people to see a full color spectrum, victory cannot be far behind. I highly recommend using a cover story of us summoning Cthulu to keep them off of our trail until then though.

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): No :( I will have Medical and Optical covered in the fall when I resume full time Graduate School studies. But alas, no dental. My rage comes from somewhere ya see.


HNIC'S COMMENTS: appears sound; youth a plus, and may make good willing cannon-fodder.

Not bad for a start, but keep 'em coming. As per the motto of MISCEGEN-8, Taking over the world ain't easy, but somebody's got to do it, so I await your contact.

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